5 science-based tips for a better relationship

How connected are you and your partner? Try taking the “bird test” to find out.

Here’s how it works.

Next time you’re looking out the window or taking a walk or drive, make a point to notice a bird and see how your partner responds. Do they look up from their phone and ask what kind of bird? Do they come to the window to see it or otherwise engage with it (and you)?

The idea behind the “bird test,” which went viral on TikTok, is based on the work of John and Julie Gottman, the renowned husband-wife relationship researchers and authors of “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy.”

The Gottmans have found through their research that partners in relationships naturally and regularly make attempts to connect with their partner. The Gottmans call these attempts “bids,” which are everyday ways of expressing what we want from one another.

Turning toward your partner

When we encounter a bid for connection — such as our partner noticing a bird and telling us about it — we are presented with an opportunity to “turn towards”— or turn away.

The point of the “bird test” isn’t really to test your partner, but to showcase how commonplace these bids and opportunities to connect are, whether they are about birds or something else. Sharing about your day, struggles at work, dreams for the future or even a meme over social media are all bids for connection. How we respond to these “bids” matters to the health of our relationship.

“It really involves building trust and letting your partner know that you really care about their feelings and needs as much as you care about your own,” John Gottman said.

In one famous study, John Gottman and his colleagues videotaped 130 newlywed couples and analyzed their interactions with one another. How often those couples turned toward one another following bids for connection corresponded to their relationship status in a follow-up six years later.

The couples that were still happily married had turned toward their partners 86 percent of the time that one of them initiated a “bid.” Those who were unhappy or divorced had turned toward their partners just 33 percent of the time.

“You have to heighten your awareness of when your partner is making a bid for connection,” Julie Gottman said. Being mindful and acknowledging that you heard them is simple, she said. “That’s all it takes. That’s what turning towards is.”

Here are four more science-based tips from relationship researchers to help strengthen your relationship.

Develop a gratitude habit

Expressing gratitude helps bring us closer to our partner. Among relationship-promoting behaviors, the role of gratitude has some of the strongest scientific evidence behind it, said Sara Algoe, psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and director of the Love Consortium, an organization working to accelerate the scientific understanding of human connection.

In a 2022 study of 125 couples, Algoe and her colleagues studied the effect of nudging one partner to express more gratitude.

The researchers informed the participants of the relationship benefits of expressing gratitude and asked the participants to express gratitude for their partner whenever they felt grateful. They were also advised to remember: “If my partner does something that I appreciate, then I will express my gratitude.”

The nudge increased how often the partner expressed gratitude over the following three weeks. Notably, expressions of gratitude led the couple to spend more time together – about 68 minutes more each day.

Gratitude can be as small as a thank you when your partner brings you coffee or a grander gesture such as flowers or a gift.

Think about what you admire and respect in your partner, Julie Gottman said. Try to notice and appreciate even the little things they regularly do.

Practice “really noticing what’s positive in the relationship,” John Gottman said. “The details aren’t as important as that habit of mind, where both people are really feeling appreciated for what they do and who they are.”

Share laughter

In one study, Algoe and her former student, Laura Kurtz, videotaped 71 heterosexual couples talking with one another about how they first met. The couples were then asked to choose Venn diagrams to represent how close they felt to their partners. Researchers found that couples who shared more laughter chose the diagrams with more overlap.

In contrast, the amount of time each person spent laughing separately did not seem to positively affect the relationship quality.

Results from another study suggest that shared laughter makes people feel like they are more similar to one another, which in turn promotes relationship well-being.

“Shared laughter works pretty remarkably well by making us feel like we are connected in that moment, like we are in sync,” Algoe said. “I like to call it ‘the mind meld.’”

Set up more situations where you are naturally more likely to laugh with your partner, such as games or challenging new activities where neither person knows how to do it, Algoe said.

Hug and hold hands

Another powerful way to connect is by literally reaching out: hugging, kissing or holding hands.

Our skin is replete with touch sensors known as C-tactile fibers that are wired for social touch and are optimized to detect gentle stroking that many people find pleasant. Social touch releases oxytocin, the social bonding hormone in the brain, which is thought to reduce anxiety and pain.

Affectionate touch is associated with how responsive couples perceived their partners to be, Algoe and her colleagues reported in a 2022 study of 842 participants.

“It can be just sitting next to each other on the couch, a pat on the arm or an arm around the shoulder,” Algoe said. “These moments just have a little spark of intimacy and can bring us closer together.”

Create rituals of emotional connection

Every year for the last 23 years, the Gottmans go on a “honeymoon,” bringing their kayak to Canada and renting the same room at the same bed-and-breakfast.

Once there, they ask each other three questions. “What did you like last year? What sucked about last year? What would you like for next year?” John Gottman explained. “And we take two weeks to answer those questions.”

These rituals need not be elaborate but are intentionally predesigned interactions discussed, agreed upon and practiced by both people. It might be a ritual like kissing each other hello at the end of the day or how you celebrate each other’s birthdays.

Successful couples create these rituals, which help convey the idea to their partner that “baby, when you’re upset, the world stops, and I listen,” John Gottman said. “These rituals of emotional connection are really important.”

Do you have a question about human behavior or neuroscience? Email BrainMatters@washpost.com and we may answer it in a future column.